Saturday, October 3, 2015

Psychotic meltdown... Originally Posted April 2, 2011

Decided to delete an old blog started almost 8 years ago. Instead of deleting all posts, I will post many that were needed at different points of my life. Enjoy!

 If you have been a loyal reader of this blog, then you already know about my past, present, and future. You know I am a extremely passionate about music and sports. You know I am a Blockhead. You know I am blunt, and sarcastic. What you might not know is that with all of the drama with people or things I love getting ruined over and over again, I have an absorbent amount of anxiety/stress. I have known about this my whole life as things have gotten better, really more worse over the years. In discovering who I am daily, I have figured out that I may have undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder, I long to be a perfectionist, and I have been told that I may have a genius IQ. Not that I give a shit about IQ or the prestige, or tell this to you to brag. As life turns out to be imperfect with ups and downs, I begin to self destruct mentally and emotionally. I OVER ANALYZE everything causing me to get frustrated. Most of these revelations came throughout my personal academic hell of college. Don't get me wrong, I did it for the degree, but hated almost every second; and to this day I am still dealing with a clusterfuck (see previous posts). I tell you about this to help all who read this to understand what I am NOT blunt about. I am very blunt about my passion in my hobbies and beliefs/views. Probably the number one thing you need to know about me is as shit gets rough or people fail to understand where I am coming from, I put up a guard that can at times be impossible to break. I don't like to show emotion, and I think that comes from underhanded comments about my emotions during situations where people don't understand my passion over the years. In my observation, people think I am calm cool and collected; which I can be. However, being the Aquarius that I am, the more people poke and prod at an emotion, the more likely for my emotion to build. I really don't like to burden people with my emotions. (Can you tell that this blog is therapy for me?) Knowing this shit here's the breakdown of why I decided to send myself to the ER to deal with shit. If you have read previous entries, you know that a majority of my anxiety comes from not getting along with my father. That being said, in a phone call to my folks the other night, I was sent over the edge about everything that has been building. Between their drama, to my unemployment and lack of money, to me becoming more and more passionate about things daily, I have been having frequent anxiety attacks for months. For those who haven't experienced anxiety attacks, imagine not being able to breathe and not having any control over your emotions. Along with the attacks, I have been having more and more migraine headaches. On this day, I had a severe migraine that had lasted almost 2 days at this point. Here's where the depression comes into view, and crying just doesn't stop. The more and more I get inside my head about how fucked my life is, the worse my anxiety attack and migraine become to the point where I was convulsing. Oh, forgot to mention that the most positive thing going for me in 2011, the NKOTB Cruise, was going down the tubes with my financial situation, and that I was coming to grips that canceling was inevitable. The thing about this cruise is that I knew that it was going to be the escape I needed from life. Nonetheless, the pressure to cancel from the folks, and my logic sent me over the edge. I feel to this day that I am not happy with my life. My excruciating head pain as well as advice from Blockhead sisters urged me to call 911 for emergency help. Yeah, to numb the PAIN I plotted to down a bottle of my pain killers and drink a lot of alcohol on top, knowing that that was to be a lethal combination. Let's fast forward to checking into the hospital, I was admitted to the psych ward of the ER. Duh. This is where my stint gets fucked up. The evaluation of the Doctors and nurses comes to the conclusion to call those who sent me over the edge in the first place. I love my folks and truly appreciate what they have done for me, but the drama outweighs the positives. I know they do it out of LOVE, but again the drama outweighs the positives. In order for me to not be sent to a mental institution as well as discharged, they were told to drive here. I have known for awhile that I need medications and therapy concerning my life. See this isn't the first time I hit dark days and suicidal thoughts. Three years ago, during my junior year of college, I was burnt out with life. My savior 3 years ago, a announcement that New Kids on the Block had reunited with a new album and tour. The positivity that they sparked has been rewarding and refreshing. Not to mention the networking us fans have done since the reunion. The LOVE/bond we share is unlike anything in the world. ( comes the waterworks.) I have longed to tell the members of the New Kids on the Block their influence on my life for awhile. Just short of an hour of being discharged, I sent a tweet to Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Big Papa) explaining how they have saved my life years before. Well, Big Papa, pays more attention to my timeline than I thought, and to my surprise got a DM (to remain private) just minutes later. I fucking love you BIG PAPA! I can't thank you enough, and I really hope to get the chance to tell you the extent of what you mean to me. *tears* Let's just say...yes...I am better...but there's still a lot of shit I have to deal with to get somewhere. Confronting people who love to tell me how to live is a priority on my list. Later!

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