Saturday, October 3, 2015

MY LIFE STORY... Originally posted August 8, 2009

Decided to delete an old blog started almost 8 years ago. Instead of deleting all posts, I will post many that were needed at different points of my life. Enjoy!   

 I believe that this blog is finally necessary due to my life's situation... My Life Story   I was born February 16, 1988 in Prescott, Arizona; brought into this world by a Black Father, and a White Mother, so yes I am multi-racial! My father is the youngest of 10 kids, and my mother is the youngest of 4, so it makes sense that I am an only child. ;-) For those who haven't been to Prescott, Arizona, it is a small community that prides itself in being a retirement community, even most surrounding towns. With that being said, Prescott is not a diverse area, so my father's side of the family making a name for themselves has been quite accomplishment (that I respect and am proud of) knowing that my family has been only a few black families to be successful in an area that to this day is very racist! Background on my folks, father graduated Prescott High School in 1973, mother graduated Prescott High School in 1974, they were married in 1975; and have are still married to this day! Yes, that means 34 years of marriage!   Moving on... my parents waited 13 years to have me, so they were in their late 30's, and established older friends granted the age average for the area. My grandparents were strict on my parents where respect, and hard work was drilled into my Father's DNA. My Mother's situation was different, but the same values were engrained into her as well, so it makes sense that I grew up where RESPECT, APPRECIATION, and did I mention RESPECT were values engrained into my every being! Since I could talk, I was supposed to refer to my father as 'sir' and my mother as 'ma'am' due to how they were raised; of course I rebelled, and as I got older did not have to stick to those terms of endearment! I should mention that in times of holidays or birthdays in my household are just some of the prime times for verbal abuse from my father! It has gotten to the point where I don't like to celebrate anything along with my Father, and I really feel for my Mother as she wants to be normal and celebrate things!   In terms of education, I have always been extremely driven to make a name for myself to get out of Prescott! I began playing Alto Saxophone in Middle School due to my early exposure to music! I have worked my ass off in school for years, but as school gets more difficult over the years, so did my relationship with my father. The verbal abuse my Mother and I have had to deal with over the years has seriously been brutal. Hasn't been pleasant to grow up in an household where you are trying to constantly prove yourself, but your father constantly puts you down despite your success. Everything comes down to money, or as my Dad says our privilege that we have had things better than other's over the years. Now granted I appreciate everything "material" I have had, but a better more solid relationship and home life was always appreciated by my Mom and I, but never truly has happened. Not to mention, my maturity always made sure I endured a lot of drama with my peers, I have never truly had a best friend ever due to people constantly screwing me over. Being that life isn't perfect, I have continued my drive to graduate high school, graduate college with a degree, then finally land in my dream career. The education system in the country has taught me that if you don't learn the "normal" way, you are basically shit out of luck! I entered the University of Arizona as a Electrical Engineering major hoping that some day I will be building computers. Well, that dream ended after Freshman year after my failing math grades due to my "learning disability"! So, my sophomore year, I decided to switch to communication in order to pursue my backup dream career(what should have been my focus in the beginning, but I learned) sports broadcasting for ESPN or any national sports network. I also have dreams to stay closely tied to music as a career choice as well. My current GPA at the University of Arizona is pitiful compared to how hard I work, but as I learn differently and that is sighted as a learning disability; it has caused me a lot of stress, anxiety, and overall disappointment in myself! However, things improved this summer has I have been an intern at KVOA News 4 where I have been able to get work experience in the industry I want to be a part of; so my hardwork has payed off to an extent! Hopefully, this work experience can help me get on the path to my dream career when I graduate!!   Moving on from age 3 I was introduced to what has become my focus in life which is Music, Sports, and dance. My first love was dance, I was enrolled in dance classes very young, then came sports where I was enrolled in basketball, soccer, and softball leagues over the years. My first exposure to music were two artists...Michael Jackson and New Kids on the Block! Michael Jackson was always on TV at the time for his iconic career, and a baby sitter I had was a Blockhead, and made me watch the "Hangin' Tough" VHS tape to calm me down if I was out of line(or just wanted another excuse to get her NKOTB fix) The minute Donnie, Joey, Jon, Jordan, and Danny came on the screen I was in a trance, because the music was attracting, the choreography (which now I look back at it had a lot of innuendo I didn't get at that age, but I digress) was just intriguing! {*Side Note*: I have been a DDub Soldier (Donnie Wahlberg) since this first exposure! }From this I was continuously exposed to music while I grew up, but considering this was the year that NKOTB disbanded I ended up growing up with whatever the industry had throughout the years. Considering, that I fell in love with music, sports, dance, and pop culture at this age, I was determined to study it/make it my hobby as I grew up. Like I mentioned above, this early exposure has lead me to me become a musician and my years in band/marching band. I now play Alto Saxophone, Baritone Saxophone, and Steel Drums! After my participation in sports and dance has dwindled due to politics and life, I became enthralled with the world of marching band even as I have been enrolled at the U of A. Well, like my life has presented, I won't be returning to marching band this coming year due to politics/bureaucracy society presents.   So, as I have teased my experience here at the U of A has been disappointing academically, and socially. I have been severely depressed for years, where constant thoughts of suicide has entered my mind due me never seeming to catch a break in my life. Then after my Sophomore year at the U of A, and I was moving into my apartment I got GREAT news on May 16, 2008...NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK WERE BACK!!!!! The first Today Show appearance where they were surprised to see fans again after 15 years, singing and dancing for the first time in 15 years was the boost I needed! I immediately began to well really..obsessively watch every NKOTB video on You Tube as the reunion continued to take shape. After the Fall 2008 tour was announced, I immediately wanted to go to the Phoenix show to see their magic, which I made happen despite me going by myself after class and marching band rehearsal! My independence knew that somehow when I got to the concert I was going to meet amazing people who understood their Aura!! Despite seeing other concerts, my first experience at a NKOTB concert can not be explained other than an out of body experience!! My lack of Facetime after the concert disappointed me for awhile, but I quickly got over it, and my love for them has not changed! In fact, I believe it has intensified! By the way, I have had to keep the fact that I went to this concert from my Father, in fact he still doesn't know about it as I knew he would freak out about me spending money to enjoy myself at concert rather than save it for college expenses.   As the reunion began to grow and grow, and knowing that my life priorities were more important, I have lived vicariously through my Blockhead family as they had their wonderful experiences as well. From the tour of Mexico, European tour, Cruise May 2009, Spring Tour, and the just wrapped up Full Service tour the Blockhead Family has become the NK Army ready to take on the world! The bond we share as Blockhead sisters and brothers can not be explained to all those who think we are crazy for loving NKOTB, but that is the beauty of it! Then as all of us including NKOTB, band, and crew joined Twitter our bond has continued to intensify!   With that being said, meeting wonderfull Blockheads on Twitter has been amazing in keeping me sane! I was able to travel to go to the Las Vegas and Phoenix shows of the Full Service Tour. Now granted when I told my Father 2 weeks before we left about it, I was bitched out by him about how my life's priorities are completely wrong; so I took my friend new to the NKOTB scene with me on what has been labeled as an experience/weekend of a lifetime for both Ellie and I anyway thinking that if my Father kills me, at least I could die happy!! Well, he forgot about it, and due to our family history of verbal abuse towards my Mother and I, we kept my trip from him to avoid drama! Well, a couple of weeks ago during a visit I had with my folks, I had to confess as my Dad was wondering how my funds weren't sustaining! Considering that my Mother and I have stayed close, she decided not to tell my Father that she knew about my trip for fear that the drama was escalating, and well it has! Now here comes the cruise...I didn't get the chance or have means to go on the May 2009 cruise, nor have I really gone on a vacation/adventure of a lifetime, so I thought that considering I am graduating college this May I could go on the cruise as a Birthday, Christmas, and Graduation present to celebrate all my hard work of 16 years of eduation! Well, I was wrong! The fact that I am a Blockhead has caused my folks to believe that I am dishonest (which I HATE dishonesty), and that I am disrespectful for wanting to live my life the way I want to by going on a NKOTB cruise! Their opinions of me have apparently changed, and now they are turning the rest of the family against me, which is funny considering the family isn't really that close to begin with.   Now, I am stuck with still desperately wanting to go on the cruise while wanting to finish my last year at the U of A, but wondering if I am going to be disowned/cut off for finally expressing that I want to live my life! Oh, and I don't have a problem with getting a job to help with costs, but my parents have stated that working while in school is too hard to do. In fact, I have had summer jobs since high school, I even persevered and got a job last summer to coincide with my summer classes, well my Father MADE me quit the job stating that it wasn't going to offset costs enough! Now the economy is worse this year, but I have been able to get college credit for my internship this summer, yet now isn't totally pleasing my Father as it isn't paying! I want to get loans, but due to them taking care of me financially, I can't get loans on my own with out their consent despite me being 21 years old! So basically, my life is a big clusterfuck, where I am damned if I do, damned if I don't! Keep in mind I can get over the not going on the cruise again, I am just angry that my life philosophy of actually living life has become extremely hard to come by! I JUST WANT TO LIVE, UGH!! I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place, things are getting worse day by day! All the inspiration that Rob Lewis, Donnie Wahlberg, or anybody else has had on Twitter has been amazing, but my days just suck outside of Blockhead world!   Thanks for caring to read and understand my life better!!

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