Decided to delete an old blog started almost 8 years ago. Instead of deleting all posts, I will post many that were needed at different points of my life. Enjoy! Originally posted November 15, 2009.
It never fails...a day without drama in my immediate family is a day that really does not exist. Given the recent events from my previous posts, the folks called this past Friday afternoon told me that they would be visiting yesterday, but did not come due to being tied up in my hometown working. So, being that I spent countless hours trying to get work finished, but due to my depression getting the best of me via sudden cry fests, I did not get what I wanted to get finished yesterday. My sleep last night was restless when I finally got to bed at about 1AM with periodic times I would wake to cry again. I finally got to sleep at about 3AM, then I slept to about 11:30 AM to hear pounding on my apartment door followed by a phone call by my father saying they were outside.
For the next two hours straight, I sat with my folks in my dinning room being lectured/yelled at for my recent actions. Told I don't respect or appreciate anything that I have been given by them. Told that my disrespect for not following everything they have wanted me to do. When standing up for myself, I was told to calm down, and that my anger was uncalled for. (These confrontations in my household have gone on for years.)
Now since I have competely lost my parent's respect, I now have to prove it in next 178 days. The truck (that I never expected to have till after I graduated college and bought myself) is now on its way back to my hometown, and I am left with the vehicle I always expected to drive. I will get my truck back upon graduation given all goes well. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about losing my truck, what I am complaining about is that every decision in my family comes with a lot of drama attached. I have learned over the years that I can't get too attached to things, because it can be easily taken away from me.
To all those I have become close with over the years, I have tried to keep the fact that I am depressed from you. I have had hundreds upon hundreds of suicide thoughts run across my mind, hell in the last 48 hours I have at least thought about ways I could overdose or just to end it somehow. Now, granted I haven't gone through with it, because I think about those who have had significant impacts on my life. However, I am not happy, I try to make others happy! From my Blockhead sisters, college friends, people I have met over time, y'all have kept me sane and showed me more love than you will ever know! To my mother you have always had my back, and I love you more than you will ever know!! Now, I am very sad to say, that despite the abundance of respect I truly have for my father, I am not sure I love him...why? Well, I have been verbally abused by him for years!! Even when I respect his wishes, I am told that I am distrespectfull, unappreciative, cocky, and basically not a great person enough from him. No matter what I do, I can't seem to please him.
I could continue to explain myself, but as I do the more I cry. I will leave it at this for now. Care to leave a honest comment about the type of person I am! Thank you!